We All Have Fears.

Shall I wax poetry about you?

Not everyday is a beautiful day. I forget that sometimes. I remember the fear. The edginess, the hope, and the loss of it. I remembered reading the pages and loving every turn, every word and every escapism it brought to my stagnant life. Yet. It’s been years since I felt that way – I told myself to grow out of it and that hope is a cancerous cell, a rapid growth to death, everything else fades away. Yet. You came into my life and brought alongside love, anger, smiles, hurt, happiness, rage, elation and every possible emotions we human beings have discovered. Yet.

Our love do not have to be noisy, like the rest of the world.

We can be silently loud.

It’s just your smiles, and mine, after all.

It's October.

2009. In two years' time, i will turn 20. Two decades seem so infantile to the older generations, the one who had their shares of broken dreams, suppressed desires and moments of joy, success, and everything else to do with life rolled into one. Yet.

It's October. (so fast?)

What have i done so far?
Not much. Not little either. A friend texted me the other day bout how she felt she has not done anything brave for the past 19 years of her life. But, what is the definition of brave? How do we define this word? All of us want to be significant in life, to another person, to the world, to leave an impact, to make a difference. But all this is vague, no?

What is YOUR purpose in this life?
I think, it's time for a change.
Because all moments passed us by, and it's up to us to hold them in our hearts, or let them go, like burst bubbles that once shine.

Ten things i have learnt this year

1. Studying is actually fun.
2. Love is not easy, but it doesn't have to be hard either.
3. In this age of fb, twitter and plurk, privacy is golden.
4. Harry Potter will always be a part of my life.
5. Knowing many people is different from being there for your friends.
6. The leavers are teaching me to be more independent.
7. My first love will always have an impact in my life.
8. Best friends stay, no matter how far they grow apart.
9. Life is a challenge, but it doesn't have to be sad.
10. Want what you want, the rest fades away.

They strut with their skinny asses and skanky clothes down the malls when you were too busy pouring over your books and meticulously counting numbers so that the A's will be in your hands. Sometimes you come across pictures of them with boys (entirely too close) getting drunk in clubs or some party where their rosy pink cheeks (thanks to the alcohol) and beautifully startling features still stand out amidst the drunken stupor and lost decencies. In school, they have the best stories to tell - escapades, adventures, dirty jokes, jokes, latest trends and boyfriend problems - and we, the nerdy lifeless ones stare listlessly, half listening to their droning, half wishing we were that brazen or gutsy. Sometimes i wish i had the courage to go up to the guy i like and ask if he would like to go out with me, like what those girls would do - just for kicks. But now i look back, and laugh at the silliness, at the impermanency. So what if those girls were the life of the party or did things nobody else was doing - smoking, drinking, flings - all of that come down to nothing now, they are dust, ashes, on a hill of forgotten life, in an abandoned chapter. We have all move on. And for the rest of us, so called nerds in high school, we are still moving on, still pouring over books and stuffs like that with a purpose, a dream, a vision - but those popular girls? Where are they now?

Yes, i realised.

Better three hours early, than one minute late.

Myself.

♥

I felt a little lost, recently. Can't really say when the feeling started. I didn't keep tabs. But it feel like a slow song, one that you enjoy at the beginning and then it gets draggier and draggier until you feel like just switching the whole track to something else, something a little more different and more vibrant - something that is able to take you someplace else.

I want to feel alive. I want to feel excitement bustling through my veins, life stories of others come alive in my own- i don't want two dimensional pictures of white papers inked with faded black words. Don't want minds to be crusted with distractions and hammered with heavy, substantial knowledge that sometimes make us lose sight of the things that matter. Knowledge has a way of doing that to us; seeping into our nerves, making us want more so that we are drunken with it - the rest fades away.

I don't want to be taken for granted.

All in a day's work.

Thanks, love.

Trials; wednesday.
Meredeka celebration; tomorrow.
Last month of the day; today.
4 more months to the end of 2009.
Where will we be, this time next year?
:)

the SEASON is back.

The photographer, musician and writer.

Tonight I watched the stars shine, wondered if we are meant to be or we ever will. Sometimes I see you walking towards me, and my entire awareness snaps into focus – everything else falls away. Tell me if this feeling is not daunting; tell me if it is not overwhelming. Is this how the flavors of love taste like? The Polaroid moments of texts and random phone calls, laughter and secret smiles, rare reveals and remembered pasts, good food and more good food, the warmth and touches, the intimacy of two lovers – not star-crossed- the clandestine of it all. You’re like a 15^th century map – indecipherable. Sometimes I pretend to not know you as much, pretend that there are still parts of your body I have not memorized (probably there are) and pretend that this love is not as glorious as I think it is – because the gods take beauty away, and you, you’re on top of the beauty list. I –

it is odd how words seem to bury themselves deep when it comes to you. An arduous task, writing becomes. I would love to paint rhymes over your body, pen down your features and immortalize them like how Shakespeare did with his Sonnet 18(how can anyone bloody forget that?). But I cannot. Incoherency becomes me. All I can come out with is a whole paragraph of word-vomits that is detached and insignificant. You see what I have done here? The words “I” and “me” have been used far more than “you”. For the umpteen time, I have failed to love you in words but this won’t be the last try.

I am a fool, out of love. Lenka.

-Nights like this - today has not been rough at all. On the contrary, it has been one of the most peaceful and quiet days for the year of 2009. For once, i did not have to smile or laugh, crack stupid jokes, or listen to the lives of people (or talk about my own). Today, is about the ensuing silence that surrounds my usually noisy life and the reflections that come with it. I feel like crying, i feel like laughing aloud. So, this is how solitude feels like. It's as if i am entrapped in this bubble of impenetrable and sound-proof walls; i can hear you but not the other way round. I feel different.

-It scares me sometimes. You.

-I feel different. But, do you hear?
Emotions sometimes speak in another language. I struggle to understand them this time. Perhaps, the ending will surprise us all, but doesn't it always?

-I had this dream; about green fields and yellow meadows. I had another dream; you weren't in there. But relationships (any kind) are like this, no? You cannot expect the other party to always be there. Sometimes, you are alone - no matter how instance it is or how desperate you are. Like what my friend says, in order to be with someone else, first, you have to learn to be alone.

-A Spot of Bother.

-Beetlebug. Man-U cup. Your brother's long orange pants. Singapore ghost stories. The random things that i remember when i was at your house. I see your smile, your laughter, your random jokes and your capability in making me laugh, i miss them. It was only yesterday. Now, i am struggling to not fall under this annoying spell of flu/cold/whatever you like to call it that seem to be attacking every student possible. I must not be susceptible. Maybe, i already am. But i shouldn't get worse.

-There are some things that you let go, in life. By choice, by unforeseen circumstances, by the simple passing of time. We were once whole. I complemented you, and you i. What happened to those days of fulfilled joy and taken for granted moments? We were young once, can we not be young again? You no longer care for me the way you used to. You changed. Or maybe the changes in us happened simultaneously. We are no longer the way we are. Some days, i wake up thinking it's alright, we had our moments - we have reached the end. But on days like this, i struggle to understand the change. The erased memories. Are human minds that forgetful?

-I am tired. Perhaps, the mind is not so lucid anymore.

The things you let go - by choice

Sometimes you remain alone in the midst of all the noise and colors.

Maybe it's a test. Maybe you cannot have what you want, all the time. Maybe, just maybe.

Jane Eyre;
I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer.

Why isn't today as bright as yesterday's? I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, again. I had this dream that turned fuzzy at certain turns and exploded into this brilliancy of awful colors that scared the hell out of me and i wasn't aware that it was a dream, and that i was sleeping and that this is not the reality i live in with people who hate me, chasing(perhaps hunting) me everywhere, anywhere for the rest of my life. I began to drift into consciousness by trying to grope for a warm body, a warm hand, a sign of life that he's beside me but then i remembered that i am in my own room, and the corner of the bed beside me is cold and untouched - i am no longer in the time where i woke up to him every morning of the short vacation-trip we had. I feel this bitterness swell. This inner-child of mine, the one who is pampered and spoilt - who stamps her feet when she does not get what she wants begin to throw a silent tantrum. Where is the boyfriend? But, alas, he doesn't know i had a nightmare, and i, being me, will take my undoubtedly long time to divulge this piece of information.

Dreams are lovely and fine, as long as they don't turn around and bite me instead.

There's this thing called l___.
We realised its existence one day, or maybe somebody came up with the concept.
There's this other thing called h___.
We too, realised it on some other day, or maybe somebody else came up with it.
Good riddance? God be with you?
It's not that easy.
It's never that easy.

B&W

My fingers tingle.
My soul tingles - for a release, a climatic outburst.
But they are dead.
My fingers no longer move.

Mornings. You wake up feeling afresh or perhaps, just enough rest to go through another long and probably monotonous day. Your sensations are numbed as you emerge from your slumber and for this one moment of the day, you don't fully remember what you have lost, or gained.

Nights, bring a whole other emotions. Events appear in vivid sporadic explosions at the back of your mind. Your emotions flit around, as if playing a run-and-catch game. You are like a little kid in the kindergarten playground again, a little lost and bewildered, a little fearful yet hoping that a sense of belonging could be found in this seemingly massive ground. Yet, nights are not always so generous. Nightmares seep in occasionally. Old insecurities, past hurts and fears you thought you had forgotten glide back into the minutes, hours of the dark night - you are left alone, vulnerable and needy.

Tonight, after dinner, the thoughts of broken desires came hunting in the dark premises of my brain. I don't know how to respond to them, to my own failures anymore. Perhaps i have grown defensive and immature; deliberately turning away when confronted with my own conscience. Perhaps, i have just grown lethargic towards this bundle of almost impossible dreams. They say, nothing is impossible and if you dare to dream, you can reach for it. Of course, hard work is and will be involved. Since when have they not been? But the question is not about hard work, i am not afraid of that. It is something else. Something that i do not utter aloud for fear of admitting my own weakness, my Achilles' heels. I have unwittingly taken this turn too long ago, and it remains a regret, a black hole in my heart. Can i revert it? Will i be able to? Most importantly, do i want to?

You wouldn't understand, but it's okay.

el submarino amarillo says:
sej do wat
Yting; says:
3 essays ah
just the struktur
el submarino amarillo says:
why u din tell me
u bugger
Yting; says:
so i guess...points only
hahahahhah
i forgot la dei!
el submarino amarillo says:
BUGGER!
Yting; says:
hanif wan
el submarino amarillo says:
nvm la
tmr then
Yting; says:
YOU LA BUGGER
el submarino amarillo says:
hanif wan weds only got ma
u scared wat
dum bunny
go eat ur carrots
Yting; says:
hahahahahahahahaha
excuse me?And yes, he did draw the carrot in msn. Friends. Lol.


Another one. A whole basket! ;D Just to make me happy and ward away evil evil people. Chongyen, thank yous!

i am trying to stop my tears from streaming down. eye lids. eye lashes.

you know how everybody has broken dreams? with you, i feel every broken vision and every impossible aspiration mended with your warm, calm presence. reality seems a little less ugly and more comforting. i don't know what came over me. it feels like this ocean wave crashed into me and has yet to subside. a friend once said that even the strongest girl breaks down and cry. but i have never been strong, and breaking down does not change any situation, any melancholy, any jaded soul like the one i now seem to possess. i think of you now, and think of the strength that permeates unknowingly from you, perhaps, which gives me a more concrete reason to appreciate this life which i seem to have taken granted for.

yet, this disappointment seeps in and for the second day, i am filled with this blankness, this failure that is my own doing. do i ask for your help to assist me in feeling better, to lighten up so that this cloudy mood swing can pass over? but the thing is, i don't want you to. and for the first time, i am aware of how this is not a mood swing, and i am torn between crying and well, crying. i remember the green field that we always walk round, a world of our own...peace and serenity all rolled into one albeit being a temporary one. i remember how you guided my chin and magick happened. i remember the first awkward time we went out and i felt out of my comfort zone because i just don't usually go out with a newly acquainted friend that i barely even know - it is just not me. i even remember the random text messages you sent which would light up my face; if i happened to be out with my friends doing nothing(ie stoning), i felt a little better knowing that i had a great conversationalist to converse with even if it was only texting. i remember a lot of things, and this is only the beginning, but i feel like i have made my first mistake(s); i am not happy.

i have failed, perhaps not entirely, but certainly in some ways, i have failed myself. and saying i love you will not suffice, at least, for me, it will not.

Turned on.

Coldplay. :)

vewen182@hotmail.com says:
telll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
PLEASEEEEEEE
u dun tell me me cant study
then me fail then me sad
u want me sad?
nooooooooo SO TELL ME
hohhohoho
Yting; says:
hahahahahahahahahahahahha
omg your eng
xD

I wonder if you are okay sometimes, although our lives are not connected at all. Is your past that bad, your love that deep that this is the life you want to lead?

'Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing.'
'But it's true-'
'Still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It is what you do to the people you love; that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.'
; Stephen, in The Last Kiss.