Shall I wax poetry about you?

Not everyday is a beautiful day. I forget that sometimes. I remember the fear. The edginess, the hope, and the loss of it. I remembered reading the pages and loving every turn, every word and every escapism it brought to my stagnant life. Yet. It’s been years since I felt that way – I told myself to grow out of it and that hope is a cancerous cell, a rapid growth to death, everything else fades away. Yet. You came into my life and brought alongside love, anger, smiles, hurt, happiness, rage, elation and every possible emotions we human beings have discovered. Yet.

Our love do not have to be noisy, like the rest of the world.

We can be silently loud.

It’s just your smiles, and mine, after all.

Because you love jazz and i, classical music.

These days are more often filled with fights than tenderlovingcare. Raised voices and slammed doors are not so odd anymore, the new jarring music is becoming a normality, and a painful thud in the heart. why? is love always like this? a beautiful first act, and then a slow, melancholic second act? Are we going to follow the style of a typical classical music piece? Can we not follow your jazzy tune instead - but that would be more erratic then ever, its high and low notes hitting randomly anywhere, everywhere. We have seen the monsters come out at each other now. The ugly sides that we carefully hide under the crook of our elbow, knees, neck, hidden so that the world will only see the best of us and never the worst. Yet. I have seen yours now, and you mine. Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes it's a reality i don't want to go through. Yet.

Love.

Fights are never happy. But through fights, bonds get stronger (or weaker) and ultimately, it's up to us to let love win it all or allow the poisonous venoms to seep into this sanctuary, this refuge of something pure and simple. I might cry. I might hurt. But i am glad, and happy that at the end of it all, i still have you and you, still have me and this love that we have found? It's still beating strongly as ever.

It's not Today

. The boyf is out of town. :)
I miss him already, but this is beside the point.

Thank you for being in my life.

It is not always easy, but it's okay.
Because i love you.
Just make sure you wash the dishes properly when you're at my place next time, okay?
*winks.

-runs away-

:)

Don't overtire yourself k? (Not like you read my blog, but still)
:)

Drums :)

the SEASON is back.

The photographer, musician and writer.

Tonight I watched the stars shine, wondered if we are meant to be or we ever will. Sometimes I see you walking towards me, and my entire awareness snaps into focus – everything else falls away. Tell me if this feeling is not daunting; tell me if it is not overwhelming. Is this how the flavors of love taste like? The Polaroid moments of texts and random phone calls, laughter and secret smiles, rare reveals and remembered pasts, good food and more good food, the warmth and touches, the intimacy of two lovers – not star-crossed- the clandestine of it all. You’re like a 15^th century map – indecipherable. Sometimes I pretend to not know you as much, pretend that there are still parts of your body I have not memorized (probably there are) and pretend that this love is not as glorious as I think it is – because the gods take beauty away, and you, you’re on top of the beauty list. I –

it is odd how words seem to bury themselves deep when it comes to you. An arduous task, writing becomes. I would love to paint rhymes over your body, pen down your features and immortalize them like how Shakespeare did with his Sonnet 18(how can anyone bloody forget that?). But I cannot. Incoherency becomes me. All I can come out with is a whole paragraph of word-vomits that is detached and insignificant. You see what I have done here? The words “I” and “me” have been used far more than “you”. For the umpteen time, I have failed to love you in words but this won’t be the last try.

Sometimes, you have to bar them.

You&I.
You&I.

I also noticed (on this boring Saturday, because i make it so) that i have been blogging more about the boyfriend, and i wonder to myself, if we are going to last or it will just be another chapter in our lives where we both go..."oh yea, i used to date him, it was alright". but what is the line between alright and fuckamazing? i can say i love you's in a dozen different ways and you, too in your own ways show me how naked and bare i can be but at the end of the day, how do we know for a certainty this love story would end with a happy ending, or a i-never-want-to-see-you again?

that's the beauty of it no? We will never know; not because we don't want to, but because we can't. it's an elusive creature, the ending. and i am beginning to realise that. i have this habit of mine where i read the ending of a book first, before proceeding to the beginning, the middle. i will not be able to read in peace without the knowledge of the ending. thats how i peruse the last book of harrypotter, lordoftherings, all the books that i have come to love or those that had dissipated into the realm of unfulfilled satisfaction. at first, i wanted badly to discover the ending of this love story. but of course, in vain. i am not God - i am not planning to be one.

perhaps that's why we -both women and men- are inherently jealous, hurtful, obsessive, possessive, insecure and all the negative (lets put aside the positive for now) emotions that we seem to own. the ending is lost on us. Imagine, if you know that Mr. A would be the one you marry, the one you will throw tantrums at, have kids, and grow old in that disgusting sweet manner that old couples usually do, would you be going through the ups and downs of a relationship? The one where you wonder and ponder if he loves you as much you love him, or if he sees you in the light of how you see him? Mr. B, C, D wouldn't make a difference, no? You, already know. Note the paltable difference.

I can imagine his reaction. But oh, shush. I am beginning to learn that life is not always bout the ending and that each moment - in its own place and time- has its significance, and honestly, i don't like being in the dark but i am starting to appreciate the nows, and not wonder about the unknown future anyways. Of course, i falter from time to time and sometimes i get pissed off with my own incapabilities to control my train of thoughts like how perhaps his past lovers are better than me in more ways than one and how i don't fulfill his needs or make him unhappy or sad(wtf they're synonyms)...but cut to the point, i love him, and i am in love, this emotion is new and daunting and yet exhilarating at the same time, and the point, the point is, i love him and that should be all that matters. That we both love each other at this very moment.

Birthday Boy and Prom

<3 Mr. Boyfriend.

Wed, Thurs, Fri - KL with the family.

Event : PFS Orientation Ball / Senior Prom
Theme : Black Ties & Diamonds
Venue : Eastern & Oriental Hotel (Grand Ballroom)
Day : Friday
Date : 10th of July 2009

Jonathan Lim, Happy 17th Birthday. (in advance)
I love you.

I will be seeing you later. *excited.

i am trying to stop my tears from streaming down. eye lids. eye lashes.

you know how everybody has broken dreams? with you, i feel every broken vision and every impossible aspiration mended with your warm, calm presence. reality seems a little less ugly and more comforting. i don't know what came over me. it feels like this ocean wave crashed into me and has yet to subside. a friend once said that even the strongest girl breaks down and cry. but i have never been strong, and breaking down does not change any situation, any melancholy, any jaded soul like the one i now seem to possess. i think of you now, and think of the strength that permeates unknowingly from you, perhaps, which gives me a more concrete reason to appreciate this life which i seem to have taken granted for.

yet, this disappointment seeps in and for the second day, i am filled with this blankness, this failure that is my own doing. do i ask for your help to assist me in feeling better, to lighten up so that this cloudy mood swing can pass over? but the thing is, i don't want you to. and for the first time, i am aware of how this is not a mood swing, and i am torn between crying and well, crying. i remember the green field that we always walk round, a world of our own...peace and serenity all rolled into one albeit being a temporary one. i remember how you guided my chin and magick happened. i remember the first awkward time we went out and i felt out of my comfort zone because i just don't usually go out with a newly acquainted friend that i barely even know - it is just not me. i even remember the random text messages you sent which would light up my face; if i happened to be out with my friends doing nothing(ie stoning), i felt a little better knowing that i had a great conversationalist to converse with even if it was only texting. i remember a lot of things, and this is only the beginning, but i feel like i have made my first mistake(s); i am not happy.

i have failed, perhaps not entirely, but certainly in some ways, i have failed myself. and saying i love you will not suffice, at least, for me, it will not.

Surprised?

My favorites from him. Clicky, Jonathan's.

When it started, we had high hopes
Now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes
When it started, we were alright
But night makes a fool of us in the daylight

I guard you in my silent ways, because uttering my soul's words aloud would make all this more real and transparent.