I also noticed (on this boring Saturday, because i make it so) that i have been blogging more about the boyfriend, and i wonder to myself, if we are going to last or it will just be another chapter in our lives where we both go..."oh yea, i used to date him, it was alright". but what is the line between alright and fuckamazing? i can say i love you's in a dozen different ways and you, too in your own ways show me how naked and bare i can be but at the end of the day, how do we know for a certainty this love story would end with a happy ending, or a i-never-want-to-see-you again?

that's the beauty of it no? We will never know; not because we don't want to, but because we can't. it's an elusive creature, the ending. and i am beginning to realise that. i have this habit of mine where i read the ending of a book first, before proceeding to the beginning, the middle. i will not be able to read in peace without the knowledge of the ending. thats how i peruse the last book of harrypotter, lordoftherings, all the books that i have come to love or those that had dissipated into the realm of unfulfilled satisfaction. at first, i wanted badly to discover the ending of this love story. but of course, in vain. i am not God - i am not planning to be one.

perhaps that's why we -both women and men- are inherently jealous, hurtful, obsessive, possessive, insecure and all the negative (lets put aside the positive for now) emotions that we seem to own. the ending is lost on us. Imagine, if you know that Mr. A would be the one you marry, the one you will throw tantrums at, have kids, and grow old in that disgusting sweet manner that old couples usually do, would you be going through the ups and downs of a relationship? The one where you wonder and ponder if he loves you as much you love him, or if he sees you in the light of how you see him? Mr. B, C, D wouldn't make a difference, no? You, already know. Note the paltable difference.

I can imagine his reaction. But oh, shush. I am beginning to learn that life is not always bout the ending and that each moment - in its own place and time- has its significance, and honestly, i don't like being in the dark but i am starting to appreciate the nows, and not wonder about the unknown future anyways. Of course, i falter from time to time and sometimes i get pissed off with my own incapabilities to control my train of thoughts like how perhaps his past lovers are better than me in more ways than one and how i don't fulfill his needs or make him unhappy or sad(wtf they're synonyms)...but cut to the point, i love him, and i am in love, this emotion is new and daunting and yet exhilarating at the same time, and the point, the point is, i love him and that should be all that matters. That we both love each other at this very moment.