Stowed away, silently - i like.

I also noticed (on this boring Saturday, because i make it so) that i have been blogging more about the boyfriend, and i wonder to myself, if we are going to last or it will just be another chapter in our lives where we both go..."oh yea, i used to date him, it was alright". but what is the line between alright and fuckamazing? i can say i love you's in a dozen different ways and you, too in your own ways show me how naked and bare i can be but at the end of the day, how do we know for a certainty this love story would end with a happy ending, or a i-never-want-to-see-you again?

that's the beauty of it no? We will never know; not because we don't want to, but because we can't. it's an elusive creature, the ending. and i am beginning to realise that. i have this habit of mine where i read the ending of a book first, before proceeding to the beginning, the middle. i will not be able to read in peace without the knowledge of the ending. thats how i peruse the last book of harrypotter, lordoftherings, all the books that i have come to love or those that had dissipated into the realm of unfulfilled satisfaction. at first, i wanted badly to discover the ending of this love story. but of course, in vain. i am not God - i am not planning to be one.

perhaps that's why we -both women and men- are inherently jealous, hurtful, obsessive, possessive, insecure and all the negative (lets put aside the positive for now) emotions that we seem to own. the ending is lost on us. Imagine, if you know that Mr. A would be the one you marry, the one you will throw tantrums at, have kids, and grow old in that disgusting sweet manner that old couples usually do, would you be going through the ups and downs of a relationship? The one where you wonder and ponder if he loves you as much you love him, or if he sees you in the light of how you see him? Mr. B, C, D wouldn't make a difference, no? You, already know. Note the paltable difference.

I can imagine his reaction. But oh, shush. I am beginning to learn that life is not always bout the ending and that each moment - in its own place and time- has its significance, and honestly, i don't like being in the dark but i am starting to appreciate the nows, and not wonder about the unknown future anyways. Of course, i falter from time to time and sometimes i get pissed off with my own incapabilities to control my train of thoughts like how perhaps his past lovers are better than me in more ways than one and how i don't fulfill his needs or make him unhappy or sad(wtf they're synonyms)...but cut to the point, i love him, and i am in love, this emotion is new and daunting and yet exhilarating at the same time, and the point, the point is, i love him and that should be all that matters. That we both love each other at this very moment.

Why isn't today as bright as yesterday's? I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, again. I had this dream that turned fuzzy at certain turns and exploded into this brilliancy of awful colors that scared the hell out of me and i wasn't aware that it was a dream, and that i was sleeping and that this is not the reality i live in with people who hate me, chasing(perhaps hunting) me everywhere, anywhere for the rest of my life. I began to drift into consciousness by trying to grope for a warm body, a warm hand, a sign of life that he's beside me but then i remembered that i am in my own room, and the corner of the bed beside me is cold and untouched - i am no longer in the time where i woke up to him every morning of the short vacation-trip we had. I feel this bitterness swell. This inner-child of mine, the one who is pampered and spoilt - who stamps her feet when she does not get what she wants begin to throw a silent tantrum. Where is the boyfriend? But, alas, he doesn't know i had a nightmare, and i, being me, will take my undoubtedly long time to divulge this piece of information.

Dreams are lovely and fine, as long as they don't turn around and bite me instead.

21 guns

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
-Elie Wiesel

You can pretend to forget, for a while, for as long as possible and you can pretend to not care about the history of mankind, dismiss it as unimportant or unrelated to today's life (how mistaken you are) but when it comes down to it, history is who we were a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a century ago and history, is who we are today, as an individual, a family, a community, a country, a race.

The Boyfriend, Bestfriend, Gang and Man-U

;) the nice nice pictures are still with jon. :/ i want. OWEN!!!

There's this thing called l___.
We realised its existence one day, or maybe somebody came up with the concept.
There's this other thing called h___.
We too, realised it on some other day, or maybe somebody else came up with it.
Good riddance? God be with you?
It's not that easy.
It's never that easy.

dark streets. long walks. hot sun. hurt. dance. anger. disappointment. waits. sleep. three beds. bar. margaritas. random touches. happiness. intimacy. comfort. manchester united. crowd. reds, yellows, blacks. support. love. annoyance. push and pull. money spent. common bathrooms. mistakes. repentance(?). bus. tickets. lrt stations. yogurt drinks. mamak. low battery. fragments of scenes. tipsy. smoke. laughter. akward angles. 6 and 1. luggage. wooden keys. "bag pools". camera. sun. shades. hold. fishing in the bus. regrets. shampoo-less. wet. jokes. best friend. hunger. harry potter. chocolates. flops. unstable. cavity. sorry.

B&W

My fingers tingle.
My soul tingles - for a release, a climatic outburst.
But they are dead.
My fingers no longer move.

The night.

Birthday Boy and Prom

<3 Mr. Boyfriend.

Wed, Thurs, Fri - KL with the family.

Event : PFS Orientation Ball / Senior Prom
Theme : Black Ties & Diamonds
Venue : Eastern & Oriental Hotel (Grand Ballroom)
Day : Friday
Date : 10th of July 2009

Jonathan Lim, Happy 17th Birthday. (in advance)
I love you.

I will be seeing you later. *excited.

MIA-ing
Prom (Booklet)
Boyfriend's Birthday
Family
Girlfriends
Kl, and KL MAN-U Trip
Studies.
Rest

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KID.
It's been great knowing you, thus far.
With love, ting.