i am trying to stop my tears from streaming down. eye lids. eye lashes.

you know how everybody has broken dreams? with you, i feel every broken vision and every impossible aspiration mended with your warm, calm presence. reality seems a little less ugly and more comforting. i don't know what came over me. it feels like this ocean wave crashed into me and has yet to subside. a friend once said that even the strongest girl breaks down and cry. but i have never been strong, and breaking down does not change any situation, any melancholy, any jaded soul like the one i now seem to possess. i think of you now, and think of the strength that permeates unknowingly from you, perhaps, which gives me a more concrete reason to appreciate this life which i seem to have taken granted for.

yet, this disappointment seeps in and for the second day, i am filled with this blankness, this failure that is my own doing. do i ask for your help to assist me in feeling better, to lighten up so that this cloudy mood swing can pass over? but the thing is, i don't want you to. and for the first time, i am aware of how this is not a mood swing, and i am torn between crying and well, crying. i remember the green field that we always walk round, a world of our own...peace and serenity all rolled into one albeit being a temporary one. i remember how you guided my chin and magick happened. i remember the first awkward time we went out and i felt out of my comfort zone because i just don't usually go out with a newly acquainted friend that i barely even know - it is just not me. i even remember the random text messages you sent which would light up my face; if i happened to be out with my friends doing nothing(ie stoning), i felt a little better knowing that i had a great conversationalist to converse with even if it was only texting. i remember a lot of things, and this is only the beginning, but i feel like i have made my first mistake(s); i am not happy.

i have failed, perhaps not entirely, but certainly in some ways, i have failed myself. and saying i love you will not suffice, at least, for me, it will not.