Mornings. You wake up feeling afresh or perhaps, just enough rest to go through another long and probably monotonous day. Your sensations are numbed as you emerge from your slumber and for this one moment of the day, you don't fully remember what you have lost, or gained.

Nights, bring a whole other emotions. Events appear in vivid sporadic explosions at the back of your mind. Your emotions flit around, as if playing a run-and-catch game. You are like a little kid in the kindergarten playground again, a little lost and bewildered, a little fearful yet hoping that a sense of belonging could be found in this seemingly massive ground. Yet, nights are not always so generous. Nightmares seep in occasionally. Old insecurities, past hurts and fears you thought you had forgotten glide back into the minutes, hours of the dark night - you are left alone, vulnerable and needy.

Tonight, after dinner, the thoughts of broken desires came hunting in the dark premises of my brain. I don't know how to respond to them, to my own failures anymore. Perhaps i have grown defensive and immature; deliberately turning away when confronted with my own conscience. Perhaps, i have just grown lethargic towards this bundle of almost impossible dreams. They say, nothing is impossible and if you dare to dream, you can reach for it. Of course, hard work is and will be involved. Since when have they not been? But the question is not about hard work, i am not afraid of that. It is something else. Something that i do not utter aloud for fear of admitting my own weakness, my Achilles' heels. I have unwittingly taken this turn too long ago, and it remains a regret, a black hole in my heart. Can i revert it? Will i be able to? Most importantly, do i want to?

Tired bones.

Swarna, one's for you. :)

You wouldn't understand, but it's okay.

el submarino amarillo says:
sej do wat
Yting; says:
3 essays ah
just the struktur
el submarino amarillo says:
why u din tell me
u bugger
Yting; says:
so i guess...points only
hahahahhah
i forgot la dei!
el submarino amarillo says:
BUGGER!
Yting; says:
hanif wan
el submarino amarillo says:
nvm la
tmr then
Yting; says:
YOU LA BUGGER
el submarino amarillo says:
hanif wan weds only got ma
u scared wat
dum bunny
go eat ur carrots
Yting; says:
hahahahahahahahaha
excuse me?And yes, he did draw the carrot in msn. Friends. Lol.


Another one. A whole basket! ;D Just to make me happy and ward away evil evil people. Chongyen, thank yous!

Since tonight is emo-night, let's get it rolling.

Sheril, what have become of us? have you forgotten me entirely? i wonder sometimes, i truly wonder. if you have, i am sorry to say that i am not strong enough to live without you. you might think otherwise, seeing how rare we converse now and i cannot remember the last time we had a decent conversation concerning pasts and futures. but no, i am no weed, no wild grass; i am but a daisy, a fragile flower that breaks too easily and the act of your presence slowly being removed from my life. traces are begin to disappear, our footprints are being washed away, and i am helpless to stop this tide, and frankly, is our friendship even intact at this point? it is too painful. is my support system finally breaking down? what happened to banana and branches, what happened to dreams and heartbreaks, what happened to broken dreams and inspired ideas? what happened to all that?

i am trying to stop my tears from streaming down. eye lids. eye lashes.

you know how everybody has broken dreams? with you, i feel every broken vision and every impossible aspiration mended with your warm, calm presence. reality seems a little less ugly and more comforting. i don't know what came over me. it feels like this ocean wave crashed into me and has yet to subside. a friend once said that even the strongest girl breaks down and cry. but i have never been strong, and breaking down does not change any situation, any melancholy, any jaded soul like the one i now seem to possess. i think of you now, and think of the strength that permeates unknowingly from you, perhaps, which gives me a more concrete reason to appreciate this life which i seem to have taken granted for.

yet, this disappointment seeps in and for the second day, i am filled with this blankness, this failure that is my own doing. do i ask for your help to assist me in feeling better, to lighten up so that this cloudy mood swing can pass over? but the thing is, i don't want you to. and for the first time, i am aware of how this is not a mood swing, and i am torn between crying and well, crying. i remember the green field that we always walk round, a world of our own...peace and serenity all rolled into one albeit being a temporary one. i remember how you guided my chin and magick happened. i remember the first awkward time we went out and i felt out of my comfort zone because i just don't usually go out with a newly acquainted friend that i barely even know - it is just not me. i even remember the random text messages you sent which would light up my face; if i happened to be out with my friends doing nothing(ie stoning), i felt a little better knowing that i had a great conversationalist to converse with even if it was only texting. i remember a lot of things, and this is only the beginning, but i feel like i have made my first mistake(s); i am not happy.

i have failed, perhaps not entirely, but certainly in some ways, i have failed myself. and saying i love you will not suffice, at least, for me, it will not.

Surprised?

My favorites from him. Clicky, Jonathan's.

Overture to a Celebration; Gurney

Polaroid shots. It is a scary thing, the past; its ability to teleport someone/anyone brings forward the yesterdays - tears and laughter, sadness and happiness, hurt and elation all rolled into one, undifferentiated - in an instance. Perhaps, things could have been different. But of course, the word 'things' do not begin to encompass the lives lived. Possibly, events could have been dissimilar, outcomes altered if actions and thoughts were diametrical. But no, we chose our paths and some of us live to regret the choices made, while others, found a brighter, more fulfilling path. But no matter what happened, or how we wish to go back (or not) to the past, it is but a vain hope and humankind should celebrate its mistakes (no matter how tragic) and learn something from them. We are intellects not because of our idleness after all. As for today, the past hovered in the air, its resonance rung loud and clear in my ears, but i am unaffected, unblemished, untainted - for i have left that place a long time ago. I have found my happiness, my reason to believe again.

When it started, we had high hopes
Now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes
When it started, we were alright
But night makes a fool of us in the daylight

I guard you in my silent ways, because uttering my soul's words aloud would make all this more real and transparent.

Remembrance

Meredith: There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Holiday